This is Me

I’ve been letting the drafts pile up because I haven’t had a post say, “pick me first!” quite yet.

I think I want to make this post the first one on my new blog.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and reflecting on my life and choices the past few weeks. I haven’t slept very well for a few weeks now and it’s given me ample time to be productive and think. I mean truly think. I’ve been thinking about a few things to the point of being physically ill.

I can’t be the only one who thinks and analyzes to the point of being sick, right?

I’m not someone who makes hasty decisions very often. I’m like my father in the sense that we will sit and think about the gloom and doom of the future before it even strikes. We will go over every probable outcome of a situation and deem the most horrific one as the most possible. It’s not something that I find admirable, but it’s how I am and how I’ve always been.

Lately, I’ve started to see how never expecting things to be spectacular all the time can be a good quality. I’m able to let go of things quicker because I never had high expectations in the first place. I may get pissed off, but I typically move on to something else and burn that bridge down. When something does go better than I expected, it’s a pleasant surprise and I probably feel way happier about it than my more optimistic fellow humans.

I have a tendency to blame things on myself. Even if someone blatantly tells me that something is not my fault, I will still blame myself. Due to some recent events in my life, I am finally starting to realize that not everything is my fault. Sometimes people need to stay out of your life for damn good reasons. It was due to a hasty decision. It was due to me being completely out of my own element, and I’ve been beating myself up since then.

I was so pissed off. I was even hurt and a little heartbroken, and those are not feelings I am used to. I don’t always know how to cope with my emotions. I will avoid things like eating and sleeping and slip into masochistic habits just to distract myself from the real problems on my plate.

Then one morning I woke up. I didn’t know I had fallen asleep.

That was the moment I realized it wasn’t my fault. It was the moment I realized many things that have happened to me over the past 2 years are not my fault. It was that moment that I knew I needed to fix things with myself and others. I needed to keep the people around me that have always truly been there for me.

Have I started to become a bit more optimistic? Has the ice that has slowly been consuming my heart since I was 14 started to defrost a little? I don’t know. Part of me hopes so, but part of me knows that I will always be a pessimistic person. 



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