Dear Harmony

June 28, 2015June 27, 2015 / Kayla Hutchison / 6 Comments

Dear Harmony,

Today is your third birthday, and so much has changed in those three years. We’ve moved and made hard decisions as a family, we even welcomed your baby sister to the family just a little over a year ago. Through all of that, my love for you has remained so strong and constant. Even when I feel like the ground beneath me is crumbling, I have a bit of consistency in the bond we’ve created over the past three years.

I know the past year has been tough on you at times. I know that you don’t always understand that I have to give your sister lots of attention, and I’m sure that at times you feel left out. However, you’re the first person that I fell head over heels in love with at first sight. You’re the first person to make me forget to breathe, because all I could do was stare at how absolutely perfect you were from the moment I laid eyes on you. You’re the first absolute and truest love of my life. I’m not saying that I love you or Piper any more than the other, but there is something incredibly special about our bond…because it was just us for almost two years.

When I first looked at you, I saw your father. I could see that you had his eyes. Then, I saw my granny. I know I wasn’t the only one that saw that because I could tell by the look on my dad’s face when he met you that he saw it as well. I could see her hair line, but over time I see so much of her personality in you. Your love for animals and art. The unique and infectious laugh that you have. The one little dimple on your cheek that my dad also has. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and wish she could meet you, because I know she would love you so so much. You’re named after my two of my favorite women, my mom and my granny. I think my granny would be so tickled to learn that you’re a left handed animal lover that can already color in the lines.

You had a rough start in this world. You were forced to come Earth side before you wanted because our lives were at risk. You struggled with jaundice, weight gain, and a tongue tie. My first time with a newborn wasn’t exactly sunshine and daisies at all times, but we somehow got through it together. Looking back, those rough times don’t even matter. That season was rough for me, but it was so so short. I would give anything to go back and hold in my arms and rock you for hours straight. I would give anything to just kiss your newborn head once more. I had so many people tell me that I held you too much. That I was spoiling you. I never listened to them, and I’m so glad that I didn’t. Even though I constantly held you, I still feel like I could’ve held you more. I still feel like I should’ve kissed your face a thousand times while you slept in my arms. There is no season in life as painfully short as that of a dependent baby. Now you’re rising into the season of growing independence, and it breaks my heart to watch your baby tendencies fade away.

Now when I look at you I see a gorgeous preschooler. I see little curls bounce on top of your shoulders as you chase the husky around. I hear the adorable giggle you make when you’re playing with your sister. From the day we brought Piper home, you’ve been the best big sister. I’ve loved watching you help out when you can. I know that Piper adores you as well, and I hope that you all have the strongest bond that sisters can have growing up. I love to watch you try to help me change Piper’s diaper, or watch you hand her fruit or a toy. One day I’ll show you all the pictures I have of you nursing your own baby doll while I nursed Piper.

You have such a loving personality.

You’re not the most vocal of kids, but your comprehensive skills have blown me away for a few years now. At this point, we kind of have a system, and I can decipher what you’re saying, even if you can’t come right out and say what you’re thinking. While sitting at the dinner table, you colored inside the lines like it was something you always knew how to do. You’re always surprising me with how much you already know.

You weren’t planned to come at the moment you did in my life. Many people do things in a certain order, and you came in a time in my life when things felt totally out of order. I wouldn’t change the timing for anything. You’ve given me a reason to wake up everyday. A reason to better myself. A reason to laugh, even when laughing is the furthest thing on my mind. I would be a liar if I said that there were a few days where you were the only thing keeping me on this Earth. Days where my mind was blurry, but my love for you was crystal clear.

I’ve never met a human being more empathetic as you are so young. It’s as if you have a sensor, and you know exactly when I need an extra snuggle. You know when you to crawl in my lap and grab my face for a huge kiss. We can sit in the floor silently together playing with blocks, and it’s honestly the most soothing thing. I know that I haven’t always been great at hiding my meltdowns from you. I always fear that I’m going to frighten you, but each and every time you’ve just grabbed my face and kissed me. No one has ever done that for me. You have been my saving grace ways that you’ll never know, and you’re more compassionate and empathetic than most adults I know. You’ve seen me at my absolute worst, and I apologize for that, but each time you’ve held my face and told me that you loved me. In that moment, you were all I needed.

People constantly tell me that you’re “too shy.” That I keep you too sheltered, and I need to make you interact with others. What they don’t see is you observing them, you watching them. You waiting to let your guard down because you’re the type of person that will either not like someone or pour your heart and soul into them. Physically, when I look at you I see your father. His soft brown eyes that pulled me in from the very beginning. I see so much of myself in your personality though. The sensitive little girl with a huge heart that not many people were willing to get to know. However, once they do they realize we’re capable of loving completely with our hearts and souls. You just gotta get past our love for creepy things and loud music.

If you’re wondering, I will always yearn for the days when you were an infant. However, I’m looking forward to watching you learn and grow. I love listening to you create sentences now and repeat everything (okay, maybe not so much that…). I feel like everyday you wake up and something about your appearance has changed. Your chubby cheeks are not so chubby anymore, and now you’re a thin little kid. I can’t believe how gorgeous you are now. I can’t believe that someone so incredibly flawless came from someone as flawed as myself.

Happy birthday, Harmony.

I hope we spend the entire day listening to old records and dancing in the living room.

Love,

Mom

Friday Thoughts: Friendship

April 10, 2015April 10, 2015 / Kayla Hutchison / 5 Comments

Hey lovelies,

Last week when I posted my thoughts I had so much positive feedback and it brought me so much warmth that I want to do another. Outside of makeup and beauty, I do reflect on life often and I feel that I should speak out sometimes. Because we’re all friends here, right?

We are, and that’s why I want to talk about something that has been a bit of a roller coaster for me the past 5 years…friendship. Some people have had the same friends since they were very little. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with every now and then from when I was very young, but not many.

Truth is, friendship has always been a weird aspect in my life. No, I promise you all that I’m not a mean and rude person in real life. Blunt and bit too headstrong? Sure. Malicious? No.

I have a very introverted personality, so it takes someone that’s the literal opposite of me (not all the time) to truly be my friend. I know that sounds odd, but very extroverted people are the types that reach out to me first and know that I’m not being rude, making plans just makes me feel anxious. They do all the talking so I can just sit back, listen, and giggle. It’s a very symbiotic kind of thing, really.

Then there’s the heartache that I’ve had with friendships over the past few years. Yes, friendships can be about as or even more heartbreaking than intimate relationships at times. On top of being very introverted, I’m very trusting and forgiving. These seem like great qualities, but it’s also qualities that others tend to take advantage of.

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to turn into a salt fest where I get bitter and talk badly about others. I just wanted to point that out. I actually took a break from most of my friendships. My heart was broken, so I distanced myself. I still had my few very very close friends, but that was it. And let’s be real, kids also changed every single friendship for me.

Some friends understood (and still understand) and some friends distanced themselves from me. I knew it would happen. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. However, Harmony and Piper are my absolute best friends on this planet…I’ll take them over anyone, any day.

After all of the heartache I’ve had with friends, I found a light. Awhile back I met and started talking to a coworker of Jeremy’s (boyfriend) and we really seemed to get along well. Her bubbly and cute personality complimented my fairly reserved one. She also always understood that I can’t always call/text and meet people at random times due to having 2 kids.

I always thought of her as a friend, and we’ve always talked about hanging out more but life tends to get in the way.

We were texting back and forth about concerts coming to our city and I expressed that I wanted to go, but didn’t know if I could due to money, time and such.
Well, a few days ago she called me and told me that she had a ticket for me to go to one of the shows with her in May! I couldn’t really even find the words to express how excited I was, and I probably sounded a bit unenthused. But the truth is, as soon as I got off the phone with her I called my mom and made sure she could watch the girls for me and cleared me calender that day.

And then I sat down and cried.

…and I’m tearing up again trying to type this out. Honestly, she probably doesn’t even realize how much that simple of a gesture means to me on every single level. It made me feel loved and like I was worthy of what I feel will be a truly wonderful friendship. To feel that happy after so much heartache with friends is a feeling that’s so endearing. It’s not about gifts or anything, so don’t get that impression, please. It’s more about people keeping you in mind. Being in someone’s thoughts. Because many times we may not care what others think about us, but it’s nice at times to know that others do indeed think about us fondly.

Sometimes the life of a mom is hard in terms of adult friendships. Because as much as I love my kids and boyfriend, it’s nice to have a few people outside of that to vent and talk to. It’s also hard at my age to find people that want to be my friend without wanting to go out and drink constantly. Not that I look down on anyone that goes out for drinks, it’s just not always my thing. I like to go to shows and be outside enjoying nature with people. I like when people just come over and watch movies with me and raid my fridge. I’m the person to come to when you want to chill on the couch and not saying anything. I actually like silence and just being with people, but not a lot of people seem to be comfortable with that.

If you’re reading this, kind and beautiful friend, please know that I really appreciate you in every single way. I love that you understand that I can’t text all the time, and sometimes I need to cancel things because being a mom is tough and time constraining. Thank you for always being kind and so bubbly. You always make me feel like you are genuinely happy to see me, and that makes me so happy, even if I can’t properly express it outwardly.

Most of all, thank you for being a friend. (I feel like this is part of a song, oops)
Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of great friendships.
I know I’m not perfect, and I realize that I have made my fair share of mistakes with friends in the past. I want to change that and I want to start “fresh” in a sense and have a friend that doesn’t know that part of my past.

The world needs more friends like you.

As always, thank you for stopping by and reading this.

Oh, and I do love making new friends, so if you want to talk/connect with me…please do! You can through social media, email, or even by text if we’ve talked on here or other places often.

I’m trying to get out of my shell more and talk to more people. Blogging has helped me with that exponentially. I find myself actually saying things to others first way more often and trying to hold a conversation without wanting to hide in a corner. So, I have so many of you that follow me and comment to thank for that.

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Morning Motivational Thoughts

September 21, 2013 / Kayla Hutchison / Leave a comment

I try to write down one thing every morning in my journal to motivate me for the rest of the day. Sometimes they’re random thoughts, and sometimes they’re not motivational at all. However, they do help me relax in the morning.

Here are some that I wrote this week:

1. Sometimes mom are trying to tell you something, even if they don’t know it. If they can’t remember the name of someone they’ve met in your life and refer to them as “pajama pants” or a random name, maybe they shouldn’t be in your life. Moms tend to know best.

2. I’ve heard all of my life that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I never grasped this until I became an adult, but I still don’t fully grasp it. I’ve had my heart broken and people have walked out of my life, but I’ve never stopped loving something. I’ve never lost love fully. I don’t think it’s possible to never know what love feels like. Whether we love our children, significant others, or a slice of pizza, we love something to some degree at all times. I can’t speak on everyone’s behalf of course, but I’ve never met anyone who didn’t love pizza or a hug from a good friend.

3. I read that there are many wolves to wander away from their packs. Some search for a new pack, and some just run. I myself have wandered a few times just for the sake of running. I always find myself back in the warmth of my home pack though.

4. Sometimes you have to make the decision to anchor yourself no matter what. If that means your anchor scrapes the bottom of the ocean floor in order to find something to hold onto, so be it. Sometimes we have to cast anchor for a bit to collect ourselves so we can finally sail on.

5. It’s potentially crazy how often I think about randomly ridiculous things. I’ll pass a window and think to myself, “What if a mariachi band of cats randomly appeared?” As soon as I start to think it’s ridiculous I start to remember that many people don’t think enough. Maybe we need more of the right kinds of ridiculous in this world.