The Rantastic Rant

Before I begin this written rant, this is not pertaining to anything on my personal social media pages or anything that has happened to me recently. Just observational things. Well, mostly. I also curse when I rant. I like for my writing to be raw and emotional, and me in my raw state curses often. #notsorry

 

Social media in general kills me at times in the sense that it gives way too many people virtual courage. The things they would never dream of saying to someone’s face they say it on their instagram posts and under their youtube videos. I feel like a repetitive record at this point, because this very issue has been pointed out countless times over the course of a few months.

However, it’s something I feel needs to be discussed. It needs to be called out. People will say “ignore the haters *~*~*~” but in reality, we need to be calling them out each and every time they’re being shitty. Because the truth is, not everyone is in a mental state where they can just *ignore* someone being blatantly cruel. We can’t point out that cyber bullying takes lives while simultaneously telling everyone to just ignore them. It’s become apparent that it’s not getting better, it’s only getting worse. I’m convinced there’s something astrological playing into it, because some of the things I read actually make me cry.

Something else that annoys the ever living snot out of me is the sudden need to post all your personal preferences everywhere as if anyone else should care, especially on makeup pages. Why in the hell are you on a makeup page to begin with if you prefer “no makeup” and “natural looks.” No really, go on. Don’t harsh on our glitter.

On my personal Facebook page, I posted a picture without any makeup on. All my dark circles and acne scars were there to be seen, and most people responded well to it and understood my point. That I use makeup as a form of self expression, and that I genuinely like putting it on, not that I’m trying to trick and deceive people. Come on, I’ve been with the same partner for almost 6 years now. He’s seen me bare faced, butt naked while pregnant and 3 weeks post partum, he knows I’m not trying to freakin’ trick him, shit.

However, there’s always that one person that misses the point. This one person starts going on about how makeup is “crap” and no one needs to wear it and who wants to “smell, kiss and taste chemicals” and shit like that. Excuse me, sir, I didn’t invite you to this pow wow so you can give a back handed comment.

First off, I’m pretty sure many women don’t spend the money they do on makeup and smell like chemicals. I smell like glamour. Second, me announcing that I’m fine with my bare face isn’t an invitation to put women down for something many find empowering because you can’t grasp why they enjoy it. So many of us, including myself, are wanting to change the game and show others (men included) that makeup can be fun and you can have fun and be creative with it. That’s why I don’t do “no makeup makeup” or natural looking tutorials. I don’t wear them to begin with. I’m bold. My personality in general is very all or nothing, and I express that through makeup. That is my coping mechanism in so many ways, and how dare anyone try to put me down for that by throwing some bullshit misinformation into the mix. Also, I have a feeling if the people so bitter about makeup would sit down and play with lipstick they would chill out and at least try to understand. Makeup washes off, time to wash away your bad attitude. 

People are entitled to personal preferences, naturally. However, if you think that means you get to have a say so in someone’s appearance, you’re mistaken. Take me as I am, or don’t be a part of my life. Simple. I’m not the type of person that has ever taken kindly to others trying to tell me how to look.

Which is why I have such a huge problem with these “take her swimming on the first date” memes. First off, you’re obviously clueless as to how powerful setting sprays and waterproof makeup can be. Second, you’re making yourself look like a superficial douche canoe. Ah, it’s all about the inside, right? You’re a nice person and you don’t care what someone looks like, but makeup is trickery? We can all see through that transparent tomfoolery. If anyone’s trying to tell you how to look and covering that up with the notion that you’re “different” and “don’t need” something, walk away. I have seen so many times that this is an early red flag for possible abusive relationships. This goes for friends as well. I used to have a few friends that would tell me how I should look and act, and it was nonsense that I was friends with them looking back. No one should tell you how you should look. 

Seriously, the only time anyone needs to have an input on what you look like is if you have lipstick on your teeth or your skirt is tucked into your panties. Because both of those things happen to me and I hella wish someone would let a sister know.

I don’t always understand why people can’t grasp that they can have personal preferences for their own appearances without mocking others. It’s possible to stand out and empower others, no matter what your differences are. Just today I was scrolling and saw a woman with a beautiful side by side comparison. Her work was flawless, and the one thing people kept saying was “she’s pretty she doesn’t need makeup.”

Yeah, I get it. People think that’s a compliment, but it’s a back handed compliment. You don’t know that woman or why she’s wearing what. So, compliment her on her skills and application, or don’t comment at all. It’s truly not that hard.

I guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout, long winded, rant way is, don’t be an asshole. Maybe you don’t even see how what you’re saying is condescending, so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you know that there are better ways to say things.

I believe that everyone has to take a step back at times and think, “Is what I’m saying valuable to the conversation? Is this empowering? Is this a legitimate question?”

And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. I swear, someone would make a killing teaching an Internet Etiquette class. Who’s down?

Alright, I think that’s all I want to rant about for now. I know I don’t do rant posts of any sort often, and I don’t know if they’ll become a common thing unless you all actually enjoy them.

If you want, rant away to me in the comments. I love listening to people.

As always, thanks for reading if you did read this long winded rant, and I hope you’re all having wonderful days!

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Hey, I’ve Posted 200 Times Now

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Hey everyone,

While I was brainstorming for ideas and replying to comments, I noticed that I have posted 200 posts on my blog! Well, once this post goes up it will be 200, but you know what I mean. That’s a lot of typing, and because I do reviews and stuff it’s been a lot of swatching and looking at lipstick stain tattoos grace my arms for almost a year now. It’s actually a joke with my family now, they’re always expecting to see some lipstick on my arms. They’re my “temporary tattoos.”

When I started this blog, I didn’t really have a purpose. I posted here and there and had no schedule. I was feeling down and very depressed. My anxiety was inhibiting me from leaving many days and I just felt like something had to give. When I brought up the idea of blogging mostly about makeup and beauty to my mom, she agreed that it might be good for me to have a creative outlet. It would give me something that is solely “mine” and would give me some consistency in the midst of the total chaos that is being a mom of two very small children.

To say that blogging has essentially saved my life in some ways is an understatement. I feel like I have a voice now. I have ever made friends, which if you read my post about my friendships (and lack thereof) the past few years, you will know that it’s a big deal for me. I absolutely love the blogging community as a whole. Sure, there are some negative areas, but most of the areas have brought nothing but positivity into my life. I consider each of you my friend.

Blogging isn’t just for my own self gain though. I truly adore and appreciate every single person that follows me and supports me. I can’t count the times I have caught myself smiling at a comment someone has left, and I have even been in tears at times. Good tears. The happy kind that reinforce that I do have a small place on the internet. A place to show the passion for makeup and pretty colors since I was a toddler. I have loved watching all of your blogs, if you have one, grow.

So, for my 200th post, I wanted to write out how grateful I am for every person reading this now. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You have all helped me climb out of one of the darkest places I have been in. I’m sure that if my daughters could fully grasp what was going on with me a year ago and see the difference now, they would be thanking you all as well. I’m in a way better place now than I was a year ago. I still have a lot to work on, but I will continue to cope and try to be better for my kids sakes.

I love blogging. I’m still a very small blogger, but that’s okay with me. Numbers do not concern me. I told myself in the beginning that I will always prefer 200 people following me that read and engage with me than 2,000 that do not any day. I still mean that. Even if I stopped blogging tomorrow, I would still buy lipstick. I would still be reading your posts and ogling over your makeup collections. So, I might as well just continue to type it out.

Here’s to 200 posts, and to 200 more. I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. Thank you to every single person that follows me, likes my posts, retweets my tweets on twitter. You are all so special, and I just wanted to express that in a short post today.

You have all had a deep impact on my life, whether you know it or not.

Have a good day.

-Kayla

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Dear Moon Piper

Dear Moon Piper (Piper Luna),

You’re a year old today. You stormed into my life in every way, and a bit literally in one way. One day I was asking your dad if we could try again for another baby in about 6 months, and the week after that talk I was telling him that I was already pregnant. A year ago today I didn’t even know I was in labor, you snuck out of the womb like a tiny little ninja. You were born a little after 9 pm, just three hours shy of being born on your father’s birthday. You wanted your own birthday, and I get that.

I look back now and I know that I needed you before I even knew I needed you.

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I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love another child as much as Harmony and would neglect you in some ways, because it felt like my heart was already overflowing. You proved me wrong, and my heart grew to accommodate the pure adoration that I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.

Your birth signifies so much more to me than just the day you came earth side. Your birth was the day I took control of my body, and after years of hearing “You can’t do that” from doctors, I proved them wrong. I was able to take control of my body and mind in ways that I had never thought possible. Instead of feeling trapped, I felt free. You helped me feel free again. I had the most empowering birth experience, and you were the star of the night. You are my little Moon Piper, born swiftly under the dim light of the moon. Five minutes after you were born, it started to storm. I can still remember the sound of rain hitting the ground so hard, because it mimicked the sound of my heart as I took everything in about you. You came into this world so quietly, as if you’ve already been here before.

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It’s been a year since I first held you. A year since I looked into the eyes of my second baby girl and felt my vision get fuzzy and the world stop in its tracks. A year since I looked into giant eyes that mirrored my own. A year since your very first latch, and a year since the first time I held your tiny hand in mine and noticed the dimples that reflect the ones on my hands. A year since I noticed how observant you were, even as a newborn. A year since I watched your dad become the proud father of a gorgeous daughter once again.

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Now we’ve made it to a year of breastfeeding, and you’re walking more and more everyday. Now I look into blue eyes that are turning green, and the little bits of blonde hair that grace your otherwise bald scalp. You have a way of making others smile, and I don’t think you’ve ever met a stranger. I’ve had so many people approach me just to mention your giant smile and pretty eyes. You seem to have the exact opposite personality as myself and your sister, but that’s honestly something that we both need.

I need your smile. I need your giant eyes to give me a bit of optimism. I need your little arms reaching around me to snuggle. I’ve needed you all of my life, I just didn’t know it until you arrived Earth side. You don’t laugh very often, but when you do it’s enough to lighten up the darkest of places. In that sense, you remind me so much of my dad and my granny. Your laugh is so special, and it resonates deeply in my mind and heart.

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You have a love for everyone, and I can tell you’re going to be someone that sees the good in all people. That’s something that I don’t want you to lose. I want you to see the good in the world. I want you to see that good and change others, because I know you can with the kindness you show to so many at such an early age. You’ve helped your sister open up a bit more herself, and I know that she needs you as well, even if a few years down the line it might not seem that way.

Your smile and adventurous personality have inspired me so much over the past year. You’ve inspired me to look around at the wonders around me a bit more, and you’ve inspired me to write and create more. I can’t recall a single morning when you were an infant where you didn’t wake up with a smile on your face.

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Moon Piper, you are so incredibly special. You will always mean so much more to me than you will ever know. I can’t explain gracefully just what your presence in my life means to me, but I will spend my life trying to express it with words. A year ago my world changed once again, and in the absolute best way possible. I would endure the med-free labor I did with you 1,000 times over again just to experience the overwhelming amount of love I felt the moment I was finally able to place you on my chest. Every bit of pain I felt in that intense labor was worth it for that one moment of relief I felt the moment I looked at you. It was an instant pain reliever.

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Happy birthday, Moon Piper. I can’t believe a year has already passed. I can still remember the intoxicating smell of your newborn skin.  I can still remember the long nights I spent sitting up nursing you and gazing at your sleepy face. A year later I’m watching you play and walk. I now imagine what kind of toddler you’ll be, because there’s a part of me that thinks I will be chasing after you fairly often. A part of me is sad, because I wish I could slow time down. I wish I could sit in our chair forever and cuddle. I don’t think there’s a human being on this planet that loves to cuddle more than you.

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I wish I could experience every moment with you 100 times again before we moved on to the next moment. Unfortunately, I cannot, and here we are a year later. Here you are walking and babbling, and here I am crying because I swear I just brought you home yesterday. I hope first birthday on Earth is so happy. You deserve it and so much more. You’ve helped to pull me out of one of the darkest seasons of my life. Your first year here has made such an impact on me and everyone that has met you, and I know you’re going to help change this world.

Love,

Your Mom

The Mushy Mother’s Day Post

Hey loves,

Prepare for tons of mush and love in this post. It’s Mother’s Day, so naturally I want to post about my own mom because she is a huge part of my life.

I know everyone is going to be posting that their mom is the best. I could go that route, or I could just talk about her.

I could talk about how she was 16 when she gave birth to me, and how she has literally proved every single statistic regarding teenage moms wrong. I could talk about how she had 3 kids (me and my twin brothers) by the age of 19, and also rocked the absolute shit out of that life. I could talk about how she took my older brother in as her own when he was 14, and it was as if she had known and loved him all of her life.

My mom has been my rock since I was a child. When I was 5, I was diagnosed with asthma. It came with a weak immune system and lots of teasing thanks to my new permanent dark circles and wheezy breathing. When I would say I was feeling down or sick, my mom never questioned it. She always listened to me and made me feel validated. That actually saved my life a few times.

Oh, my teenage years were a bit rough though. I dealt with a lot of loss and weird typical teenage emotions, and my relationship with my mom was rough at times. As it is with many teenagers. However, we were still so close. I still went to her for everything. I still trusted her to validate my feelings and listen to me and even be my crying shoulder. A few times I had to be there for her when she had her hysterectomy. I had to be there for her as we were all at a loss of how to comfort my dad after my granny died, and a dark cloud kind of stayed over our house for a year.

My mom has always been my greatest support. When all of my friends were mad and doubted me when I started dating Jeremy, my mom admitted to having concerns, but always supported me. When I made the decision to move out, she expressed her concerns, but still helped me move out.

When I told her I was pregnant the first time, she cried. First out of shock, then out of joy. She was there for me every step of the way. She never once told me that I couldn’t have a natural birth. She never once tried to discourage me from breastfeeding because she didn’t do it with me. When I told her that I had been diagnosed with preeclampsia, she dropped everything just to be by my side. And I know now after having my own kids, that even though she looked and acted so strong for me, she was just as scared as me on the inside.

My mom has helped me pick up my life and move 3 times. She has listened to me and cry and vent.

She drove me to the birthing center when I went into labor with Piper, and even now I don’t know how she stayed so calm because I was legitimately howling all the way there. She held my hand and listened to me. She tried to soothe me and never once made me feel like I couldn’t have the un-medicated birthing experience I wanted, and I still believe she had so much to do with my own confidence. She knew what I wanted and never told me that I couldn’t achieve what I wanted.

That’s how I feel all parents should be. That’s what I strive to be as a mother myself. My mom is my parenting goal. I’ve never met anyone that can love anyone and everyone unconditionally, and yet still stand firm ground when it comes to her own boundaries. Sometimes I watch her gracefully deal with people and it’s almost unreal. The strongest woman I know.

She’s witnessed both of my girls being brought earth side. She has consistently been my little village and is always willing to give me a short break to grab coffee and collect my thoughts. She has never given me or Jeremy an empty promise.

She’s the voice that tells pessimistic, perfectionist me that “we will work something out.” She is constantly the calming voice in my raging storm of eternal doubt.

She is the one person I go to because she is the most non judgmental person I know. That woman wouldn’t hold a grudge with a fly if the fly displayed a bit of kindness. She is always willing to see the good in people, and is constantly giving to others.

There’s a huge part of me that wishes everyone that encountered my mom would show her the gratitude she deserves, but I also realize that it would take me a few lifetimes to do that myself. Because nothing beats a mom that’s also your best friend. Nothing beats a mom that believes in you, no matter how silly your dreams are to others.

My mom never discouraged me from doing what I wanted, no matter what it was or is even now. I feel that is so important, especially when raising girls and is something I will cherish as I raise my daughters. She never questioned me putting on lipgloss before a soccer game. She never questioned me putting on mascara before a science bowl or talking about Latin and makeup at the exact same time. She never told me that my love for surrealism and abstract art would get in the way of me playing sports. She never told me that my asthma would hinder me. She was just…there. Even when I met an obstacle, she helped me overcome it. She allowed me to learn and make mistakes and learn from those. My mom had a seemingly perfect balance of wanting to protect all of the time, but also wanted me to learn from my own mistakes and make mistakes.

No one beats my mom in my book.

The relationship I have with my mom is one that I will cherish for my entire life. It’s one that I crave to have with my own daughters. I know so many talk about how we should always appreciate our mothers and not just one day out of the year, and trust me, I try. I could thank my mom every damn day of the year and it would never be enough. The impact she has made in my life from the very start has been so loving and so incredible, and it would take me several lifetimes to even express a tiny bit of my gratitude. She knows I’m not always great with speaking.

I used to write my mom letters with how I was feeling when I was little. I would write the letter and quietly slip it under her door. I’m trying to view this post as just a big, virtual letter for her and everyone to see.

Because my mom deserves so much. I could go on forever about how she has worked for everything she has and continues to strive for more. She is constantly learning and trying to do better and be better in life, and that is something that inspires me on a daily basis.

My mom means the entire world to me, and I just wanted to take a few minutes today to express that to you all.

And Mother’s Day shouldn’t just be about biological mothers, it should be about anyone that you have felt was your guardian in some way. I just happen to call the best guardian anyone can have my mom.

So, I just want to say thanks to all of the guardians out there that truly know what unconditional love is. To those that are selfless and kind and have been there for others.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all. You are all so beautiful and important.

Friday Thoughts: Friendship

Hey lovelies,

Last week when I posted my thoughts I had so much positive feedback and it brought me so much warmth that I want to do another. Outside of makeup and beauty, I do reflect on life often and I feel that I should speak out sometimes. Because we’re all friends here, right?

We are, and that’s why I want to talk about something that has been a bit of a roller coaster for me the past 5 years…friendship. Some people have had the same friends since they were very little. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with every now and then from when I was very young, but not many.

Truth is, friendship has always been a weird aspect in my life. No, I promise you all that I’m not a mean and rude person in real life. Blunt and bit too headstrong? Sure. Malicious? No.

I have a very introverted personality, so it takes someone that’s the literal opposite of me (not all the time) to truly be my friend. I know that sounds odd, but very extroverted people are the types that reach out to me first and know that I’m not being rude, making plans just makes me feel anxious. They do all the talking so I can just sit back, listen, and giggle. It’s a very symbiotic kind of thing, really.

Then there’s the heartache that I’ve had with friendships over the past few years. Yes, friendships can be about as or even more heartbreaking than intimate relationships at times. On top of being very introverted, I’m very trusting and forgiving. These seem like great qualities, but it’s also qualities that others tend to take advantage of.

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to turn into a salt fest where I get bitter and talk badly about others. I just wanted to point that out. I actually took a break from most of my friendships. My heart was broken, so I distanced myself. I still had my few very very close friends, but that was it. And let’s be real, kids also changed every single friendship for me.

Some friends understood (and still understand) and some friends distanced themselves from me. I knew it would happen. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. However, Harmony and Piper are my absolute best friends on this planet…I’ll take them over anyone, any day.

After all of the heartache I’ve had with friends, I found a light. Awhile back I met and started talking to a coworker of Jeremy’s (boyfriend) and we really seemed to get along well. Her bubbly and cute personality complimented my fairly reserved one. She also always understood that I can’t always call/text and meet people at random times due to having 2 kids.

I always thought of her as a friend, and we’ve always talked about hanging out more but life tends to get in the way.

We were texting back and forth about concerts coming to our city and I expressed that I wanted to go, but didn’t know if I could due to money, time and such.
Well, a few days ago she called me and told me that she had a ticket for me to go to one of the shows with her in May! I couldn’t really even find the words to express how excited I was, and I probably sounded a bit unenthused. But the truth is, as soon as I got off the phone with her I called my mom and made sure she could watch the girls for me and cleared me calender that day.

And then I sat down and cried.

…and I’m tearing up again trying to type this out. Honestly, she probably doesn’t even realize how much that simple of a gesture means to me on every single level. It made me feel loved and like I was worthy of what I feel will be a truly wonderful friendship. To feel that happy after so much heartache with friends is a feeling that’s so endearing. It’s not about gifts or anything, so don’t get that impression, please. It’s more about people keeping you in mind. Being in someone’s thoughts. Because many times we may not care what others think about us, but it’s nice at times to know that others do indeed think about us fondly.

Sometimes the life of a mom is hard in terms of adult friendships. Because as much as I love my kids and boyfriend, it’s nice to have a few people outside of that to vent and talk to. It’s also hard at my age to find people that want to be my friend without wanting to go out and drink constantly. Not that I look down on anyone that goes out for drinks, it’s just not always my thing. I like to go to shows and be outside enjoying nature with people. I like when people just come over and watch movies with me and raid my fridge. I’m the person to come to when you want to chill on the couch and not saying anything. I actually like silence and just being with people, but not a lot of people seem to be comfortable with that.

If you’re reading this, kind and beautiful friend, please know that I really appreciate you in every single way. I love that you understand that I can’t text all the time, and sometimes I need to cancel things because being a mom is tough and time constraining. Thank you for always being kind and so bubbly. You always make me feel like you are genuinely happy to see me, and that makes me so happy, even if I can’t properly express it outwardly.

Most of all, thank you for being a friend. (I feel like this is part of a song, oops)
Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of great friendships.
I know I’m not perfect, and I realize that I have made my fair share of mistakes with friends in the past. I want to change that and I want to start “fresh” in a sense and have a friend that doesn’t know that part of my past.

The world needs more friends like you.

As always, thank you for stopping by and reading this.

Oh, and I do love making new friends, so if you want to talk/connect with me…please do! You can through social media, email, or even by text if we’ve talked on here or other places often.

I’m trying to get out of my shell more and talk to more people. Blogging has helped me with that exponentially. I find myself actually saying things to others first way more often and trying to hold a conversation without wanting to hide in a corner. So, I have so many of you that follow me and comment to thank for that.

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Goals for 2015

As the year 2014 draws to a close, I will admit that I am not a “resolutions” type of person. I know that sounds cliche, but I like to set small goals for myself throughout the year instead of one big thing. So, I wanted to share a few of my goals for the year 2015, and I would love to hear some of yours if you have any.

1. Somehow plan a wonderful birthday party for both of my daughters…at the same time. Jeremy and I are not so great at planning conception and now we have one daughter born on June 20 and the other on June 28th. I’m already scared.

2. Continue to expand my blog and youtube channel. I know that sometimes bloggers will have one or the other, but I really enjoy having both. I love typing and taking pictures just as much as I do sitting in front of a camera and recording a video.

3. I would love to do collaborations and swaps with people in the year 2015. I have some nifty ideas, but I have never known how to go about asking “hey, wanna collab?” because I still view myself as a small time blogger.
With that being said, if you would like to collaborate with me for a makeup look or be my pen pal (I promise to include the finest toddler artistry and cute presents) then please let me know.

4. I need to try and get a grip on my postpartum depression and anxiety. It’s not something I talk about often, but I’ve struggled with depression since my teens, but for some reason I can’t get a grip on some things after having Piper. I’m not blaming her at all, there’s just something up and it may be time for me to finally admit that this isn’t something I can handle alone any longer.

5. And for the cliche goal, I would like to lose 10 more lbs. In my defense, I did have a baby 6 months ago. I’ve been holding on to those last few lbs for dear life though, and they need to move along. I’ve never been very thin nor “plus size” (hate that term, another day another rant) and I like it that way, honestly. I like being in the bland average range, despite how hard it is to find clothing that fits properly.

Those are a few of my goals for the year 2015, what are some of yours?

On Turning 25

Warning: there are cuss words, oops

I was almost 9 years old when my mom turned 25. I remember her making jokes and saying that she wasn’t getting any older and that she was now in the “25 Forever” club. I didn’t quite understand, mainly because when you’re 9 at times being a grown up seems like way more fun than being a kid. Ah, to be that naive again.
Now that I turning 25 myself and I’m watching my friends turn 25 I’m seeing the same things being said. There seems to be a weird thing against the age 25, and I fear it has a lot to do with the generalized categories society places women into, namely the “young” and “old” categories. Now that I am witnessing it firsthand, I still don’t quite understand it. Why are we lumped into young and old categories? What about being closer to 30 than 20 suddenly makes us old and less beautiful?
In the scheme of things, 25 is still such a very young age to me. I don’t feel any different than I did last year or even 7 years ago at 18, at least physically. Yes, I’ve had 2 kids in 2 years, but that has taken more of an emotional toll on me than a physical toll.
So, what about 25 is actually scary?
That’s the question I asked myself.
I thought about how after today I will be closer to 30 than 20. I thought about how I still don’t know exactly what I want to “do” in terms of a career. I thought about everything I have struggled with in my life over the past couple of years.
To no prevail, the age still didn’t scare me.
If anything, 25 is a relief to me. I’ve had a rough couple of years emotionally and financially. I’ve already dealt with a job loss and making incredibly hard decisions like to not buy a new car to move into a way smaller home etc. Decisions that many of the people that I follow and follow me on social medias haven’t had to make, and I hope they never have to. It’s fucking rough. That isn’t me saying I’ve had it harder than anyone else, we’re all going to meet our own struggles, but there’s not exactly a handbook titled “What to do when everything Fucks up Royally.” Growing up many times we’re given a set goal: high school, college, marriage, babies, retirement.

I feel as if I think way better and think about long term decisions easier than I did even last year.
I’m more practical and definitely more mature.
I’ve met some incredible people that have truly opened my eyes and helped me expand my activism and feminism.
I know way more now about the world and people that inhabit it than I did even while in college. Honestly, I’ve learned more about humanity and being compassionate for everyone outside of college.

I feel like I actually have so much to look forward to at the age of 25.
Even though I don’t know exactly what I want to do career wise, I have a better idea now than I did a few years ago. I feel as if I can go back to school without constantly feeling depressed and confused.
I don’t know if it’s age alone or the fact that I have two kids, honestly. I can’t speak for everyone, only myself. My 25 is different from yours, yes. I just hate the lumped categories of “young” and “old.” I’m not young or old, I’m a human being. I’m dynamic and constantly changing. I’m intelligent and vibrant. I’m beautiful and inspired daily by the things I see around me. I don’t need to stop doing the things I love simply because they’re not for my age group or because I have children. My life isn’t bland. My life is fairly chaotic most days, and that’s okay. It’s pretty neat.
My life doesn’t suddenly stop here, I still have so much growing to do.
And becoming older shouldn’t scare anyone. It shouldn’t make us want to hide away or stay the same age forever.

Because what I have noticed in the time that my mom turned 25 and started dreading every birthday after that is that she grew into an incredible woman and mother, even more incredible than she already was. I witnessed her deal with major loss and taking in people, including my older brother when he was 14, into her home. I witnessed her leave a job and go out on a limb to start a business…and close that business. I witnessed her and my dad struggle emotionally and financially. I witnessed her cry and I’ve witnessed her depression and anxiety. I’ve witnessed her rise above all of that and succeed at everything she has ever done at her current job. I witnessed her age into a beautiful and empowering woman. A woman that inspires me daily as someone that is currently struggling emotionally with depression, and as a mother.
I witnessed her change while not losing her passion for life at the same time, and isn’t that what life is about in general? To somehow at least try to see the bright side when everything is crumbling around us? I know that’s easier said than done. Oh, I know that sometimes when everything is crumbling you just want to stand underneath it and let it crush you. Some way, somehow, we pick ourselves up and move forward. Maybe not at the pace that others would like, but we move. Sometimes we pace. Sometimes we backpedal a bit, but we get there eventually.

Because I know some people look at me from the outside and think I have things figured out.
I have a partner. We have kids. I must be doing something right.
I fuck up like everyone else. I have fucked up so hard a few times that I have ended up flat on my face in a muddy puddle.
I haven’t finished school, mostly because I don’t entirely know what I want to do.
I find choosing a major and career to be more intimidating than natural childbirth and raising kids.
And that’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it.

What I’m trying to say is, stop viewing your mid and late 20’s as a race to get everything “done.”
Don’t think you’re going to be alone if you’re not married by 25. Don’t think that no one will find you attractive and lovable after 25, because that is the furthest thing from the truth.
Don’t think that not being set in a career by 25 is the end of the world. My dad didn’t even go back to school until he was in his mid-late 20’s and I was a kid, and he’s stable in his career now making great money.
There’s no set pattern to life.
Some of us walk on that weird path that our society has laid out for us, and some of us wander off of it kind of step back on it every once in awhile.
I’m the latter, and that’s okay.
It’s more than okay.
I’m 25 and I am not getting old.
I’m 25 and I am not suddenly less attractive than I was 4 years ago.
I’m 25 and that’s awesome. I’ve lived a quarter of a century.
I’ve seen so much, and I plan to see more.
I’ve learned so much, and I learn more everyday.

Here’s to being 25, what a bittersweet taste it has.

Morning Motivational Thoughts

I try to write down one thing every morning in my journal to motivate me for the rest of the day. Sometimes they’re random thoughts, and sometimes they’re not motivational at all. However, they do help me relax in the morning.

Here are some that I wrote this week:

1. Sometimes mom are trying to tell you something, even if they don’t know it. If they can’t remember the name of someone they’ve met in your life and refer to them as “pajama pants” or a random name, maybe they shouldn’t be in your life. Moms tend to know best.

2. I’ve heard all of my life that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I never grasped this until I became an adult, but I still don’t fully grasp it. I’ve had my heart broken and people have walked out of my life, but I’ve never stopped loving something. I’ve never lost love fully. I don’t think it’s possible to never know what love feels like. Whether we love our children, significant others, or a slice of pizza, we love something to some degree at all times. I can’t speak on everyone’s behalf of course, but I’ve never met anyone who didn’t love pizza or a hug from a good friend.

3. I read that there are many wolves to wander away from their packs. Some search for a new pack, and some just run. I myself have wandered a few times just for the sake of running. I always find myself back in the warmth of my home pack though.

4. Sometimes you have to make the decision to anchor yourself no matter what. If that means your anchor scrapes the bottom of the ocean floor in order to find something to hold onto, so be it. Sometimes we have to cast anchor for a bit to collect ourselves so we can finally sail on.

5. It’s potentially crazy how often I think about randomly ridiculous things. I’ll pass a window and think to myself, “What if a mariachi band of cats randomly appeared?” As soon as I start to think it’s ridiculous I start to remember that many people don’t think enough. Maybe we need more of the right kinds of ridiculous in this world.